MERIT TABLE
21/10/06
LCRFC 3s vs FARNHAM 3s

London Cornish 3s 26 - Farnham 3s 14

Tries: Keith Thompson, Alex Thomas, Stuart Russell, The Team;Cons: Quentin Peri (3) One match report down so far this season and so far I have already learned a lesson: don't put things into the public domain that you're not happy to debate at leisure. This thought struck me on Saturday evening as I found myself drawn into yet another drunken discussion with yet another rugby pooing enthusiast. I now know a lot more about Barbs than I did on Saturday morning. So, for the record, can all please note that my attempts to gain a cheap laugh do not mean that I wish to discuss people's bowel movements with them.

Those who have played rugby regularly will appreciate that there are banter-packed weeks and then there are the grey wet miserable afternoons with little of note. This was one of the latter, with the miserable conditions matched by an uninspiring performance on the pitch. These sort of games make the task of a budding journo all that harder, so this will have to be short and sweet (lesson two: pick your battles). A fuller fixture list at Wimbledon RFC (our "home ground") than normal meant that we were sent on a trek to the secondary changing rooms, a disused bunker in the middle of MOD land. The players opted to speed through the changing process due to the threat of a heavy shelling from the Royal Artillery, and a crisp warm up followed as the storm clouds gathered overhead. Both sides were unable to field adequate front rows and so the entire game was played with uncontested scrums. This allowed American import Darren to start in the front row for his first ever game of rugby. Darren is a meek and mild mannered chap, who works in IT. Darren also claims to have played American Football "a couple of times when I was little". Five minutes in, and with an almighty crash, the hefty Farnham number 7's legs tried to keep on going while the rest of his body headed back towards his try line. Darren's first ever rugby tackle is, in its own right, the outstanding candidate for the Tackle of the Season award.

The first half saw Cornish bag a couple of tries though their pacy backline. The small pitch and the tendency of the exiles to crab sideways with ball in hand made for scrappy rugby, and it was noticeable that the line breaks came when the midfield ran straight angles. Too many times were promising breaks ruined by poorly timed passes and, coupled with a sequence of missed tackles that allowed Farnham to score a converted try, Cornish reached the interval with their noses barely in front. Half time saw a bevy of substitutes, and one of them (Dan's ginger mate) nearly scored with his first touch, a mangnificent prancing and preening run through the away defence that was unluckily stopped inches from the line. Tension was mounting until Harry made a dash down the blind side to put Stuart in for a try.

Lesson number three: you're never too old to look like a twat. My opposite winger looks like a hobbit and I'm getting in a worse mood as the game goes on. He gets the ball in space in front of me and I think "right, I'm going to smash him". Several seconds later I'm lying on the ground and Bev on the sideline is thoughtfully pointing out to me "watch him mate, he's a bit quick". My shame at being such a shallow person so as to judge people on their appearances was tempered by the fact that no-one else on the Cornish team guessed that Farnham's left winger had genuine gas. His try with ten minutes to go spiced things up a bit, and Farnham launched a frantic assault on the home line. The defence was up to it however, with Chris "Gayer" Gay and Bill prominent. Cornish were able to break out and gain a further try: as I can't for the life of me remember who scored it we'll call it a "team try". Big thanks to Cookie for refereering. For such an accomplished player he has a very good grasp of third team rugby, ie he very quickly realised that if he blew up for every knock-on/offside/biting of genitals, there wouldn't be much of a game. His chat as a referee also far surpasses his chat as a player, my favourite line being to their hooker "you talk to me about obstruction and I'll talk to you about you being offside at every ruck". We would rather he had penalised Farnham's trangressions with his whistle rather than his piercing wit, but in all he had a good game.

And rugby over, time for beers. I would like to use this forum to apologise to those members of the second team pack whose legs I tried to have drunken sex with. I would also like to point out the foolishness of combining beer, drunken lads naming their guns and a permanent black marker.

Man of the Match: Gareth had a good half, Q had his usual busy game and Chris Gay, Dan's ginger mate and Ali Knott all played well when they came on. Once again Bill's lineout heroics and Duracell bunny impersonations were prominent, and he was this week's best. Twat of the Match: Harry was fortunate in that his meet-time ineptitude falls between the second and third team stools. He was also fortunate in that Chris's rugby vision led him to think that the safest place to kick a loose ball on the half way line was out for a line out virtually on the Cornish try line. The bad things really do happen in slow motion.

Team: Alex Thomas; Luke Clark, Keith Thompson (Tom Dawes), Dan Barnett, Freidrich Klaus (Harry Turner); Quentin Peri, Martin Bevan (Ali Knott); Stuart Russell, Al Keogh, Darrin Blyden; Stan James (Cam Matthewson), Bill Donnelly; Adam Riddett (Chris Gay), Gareth Jones (Jerry Pearce), Jim Chilcott


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