MERIT TABLE
14/10/06
DORKING 3s vs LCRFC 3s

Dorking 3s 7 - London Cornish 3s 34

Tries: Bevan, Clark (2), Chilcott (2); Pens: Peri (1); Cons: Peri (3) The guide to coarse rugby gains momentum. For those of you who don’t know what coarse rugby is, it’s like in the advert on the telly with the rugby players – “what do you know about this lot?...don’t know, they’re new this year”. It’s a first half playing uphill on the Old Becs mountain of doom. It’s the look on a 20 year ex-public school boy on his first away game for a club team, when he sees the opposition have provided a tiny mud bath of a pitch, a team of unshaven, alcohol-sweating navvies and a ball as round as a football and with no grip. Aaaah, the thirds. A different kettle of fish to the other teams in the club. Coarse rugby. In years gone by, I would base my pre match preparations on carbo loading, a warm bath and a stretch. Not any more. Oh no.

The signs were good. It’s all about the pre match poos now. I’m a two poo man during the week. Once at about ten, once at about two. Same on a weekend day in the summer. Come September however and rugby bowels kick into action. Slight constipation a few weeks ago, with no pre match poos, meant we’d lost the game to Esher before we’d even started. But oh, the joy of crimping out two perfect stools this week on the Saturday morning. Clean breaks too. If the merit table had been played out in Roman times the soothsayers would have peered into the porcelain and proclaimed “The portents are good. Jupiter will grant victory today, Maximus Cornishimus”. Another good sign was the characters on display this week. Proper third team characters. There’s Jim “Chilly” Chilcott, with his penchants for spraying aftershave on in the changing room before the game and for not wearing any pants. There’s Robert “Dobbin” Webster, who really does talk like a policeman. There’s Frederich “Snuffles” Klaus, a man as happy to discuss the virtues of hedge funds as he is to talk about rimming young girls. And it was an absolute pleasure to welcome Si “Bully Beef” Wood to the threes this week. What more can be said about a man who turns up in his work suit (a rather dashing chav-banker pinstriped number) from the mother of all walks of shame, and then proceeds to give one of the most all action performances I’ve ever seen from a prop? Oh, and it should be mentioned that we had a surfeit of second rows this week. Isn’t it great that we’re then big enough to admit that the only reasoning behind the choice of eventual pairing was because they’re called Bill and Ben?

I suppose we’d better talk about the rugby in order to justify billing on the website. Dorking have a lovely set up at their club, and it is always a delight to be able to get out of London to play at a proper community rugby club. A tough match was on the cards. And then we saw the opposition. I swear to God I saw the ref collecting permission slips from most of the Dorking team before the game. “Look I’m sorry, but you know the rules. You can’t play without a signed letter from your parents. It’s an insurance nightmare. Oh, stop it now. Crying won’t change anything”. It’s great when your opposite man is literally young enough to be Chilcott’s son. Second half good, first half not so good. A Quentin penalty and a sharply taken try from Bev got the Cornish noses in front on the uphill. And then dross. Poor support play and the odd missed tackle allowed Dorking to pick and drive their way into the exile’s 22, where they huffed and puffed for a while before pushing their way over. The usual generic rugby chat followed under posts where, in between the odd “f**king hell” and “come on boys” the general view was that we were better than this and it would be a jolly good thing if we could go on and win this game. So the performance picked up. Dobbin brought his speciality to play (get the ball and stand still with your arm held out). New boys Guy, Chris and James were getting their eyes in and doing their respective jobs well. Bill ruled the lineout. And joy of joys, Luke discovered that a big pot belly is an awesome weapon for a winger in third team rugby, as extra weight can be levered into an awesome handoff. A try from Luke in the corner following some genuinely expansive rugby sent Cornish into the break with tails a wagging.

The second half performance rocked. The subs came on and scampered about merrily. Wood charged about like a Rampant Rabbit on fast setting (with oscillating balls), and could even be found out wide supporting the wingers. I must tell you about his kick though. He kicks like a forward. You know what I mean, when he throws the ball in the air higher than the kick actually goes. It’s a miracle the ball actually went forward. Luke had a try disallowed as his foot was adjudged to be in touch (“sorry lads, should have slid in...but seriously, pitch was a bit dry and I didn’t want to scrape my knees”), but then Chilcott bagged a couple and Luke scored a comedy try in the corner (playing the role of Benny Hill). Easy win, marked by the return to form of Jamie “The Destroyer” Banwell. It should be noted however that nowadays his tackles tend to destroy himself rather than the opposition, but oh well what can you do eh? The wagging tails continued to wag after the game, and the jugs of shandy left in the changing rooms ensured that the Cornish team were given a metaphorical dose of doggy Viagra. And having just misspelled “Viagra” on my girlfriend’s computer it got auto-corrected. I sense there’s something she’s not telling me.

But I digress. Dorking gave a plucky performance and it actually took good rugby from the exiles to see them off in the end. The vagaries of team selection mean that the threes must take each game as it comes, but the omens are good. Or at least better than they were last week. And a big thanks to Shannon for coming down again and for generally being part of the team. I think her presence may actually teach some guys this season that girls are people too. With tits.

Man of the Match: it really, really hurts to say this but I thought Si Wood was outstanding. Bev had a good first half, Pete came on and played well and Bill, as mentioned, ruled the lineouts like a Mexican jumping bean. I may be biased, but I thought Luke was pretty good, and it’s only because the team management are jealous of his sublime talents that he never gets this award. Jim Chilcott was the man today though, two tries and some hefty forward play. Twat of the Match: Woodsy’s kick was comedy, Floody’s attempted drop goal even more so. Close. Twat for this week is skipper Richie Johnson, a fearless, brave leader who apparently is still on honeymoon. Tip of the Day: Just because the referee introduces himself with “Hello chaps, I’m Leon” it doesn’t mean that you can actually call him Leon during the game.

Team: Chris "By" Heck; Luke “Clarky” Clark, James “Floody” Flood, Jamie “The Destroyer” Banwell, Frederich “Freddy” Klaus; Quentin “Pery” Peri, Martin “Bevvy” Bevan (Henry “Henry” Johnson); Guy "Cosey" Cozon, Jim “Chilly” Chilcott, Si “Woodsy” Wood; Bill “Billy” Donnelly, Ben “Benny” Aslet; James, Rob “Robby” Webster, John “Jonny” Scanlan (Pete “Calvy” Calvert) Sub, didn’t come on as he was feeling a bit peaky, but brought his attractive young girlfriend along anyway: Rob “Frosty” Frost


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