MERIT TABLE
05/01/08
LONDON CORNISH 3s v GUILDFORD 3s

London Cornish 3s 34 - Guildford 3s 0

One of the annoying things about doing match reports is the accompanying pressure to perform. It's all very well having Tom Thirlwall and Barbs slapping you on the back and saying how much they enjoyed the last one, but when you say you might not do one this week their eyes narrow and it's best all round if you cough something up. "Just make something up Clarky". So here we go, two match reports in one.

Last game before Christmas saw us narrowly go down to the Mayfair Occasionals first team. They had a few ex-professionals in their line up and had played together for some time now. They also had a few Barnes first teamers on their way back from injury, and so Cornish can claim a moral victory from the 14-29 defeat. Highlights include (Dr) Aled Jones's refusal to treat a cut as it's "nurse's work", Gobbler's high pitch squealing at his opposite man and Laurence getting injured just after I'd told Brendan to fake an injury so we could move to uncontested scrums: I wish I could bottle the look the ref gave me after I shouted across the pitch "no Brendan, your hamstring's fine now". Jon Feltham got one of the tries (both converted by Bev) and had his usual good and gobby game. The other try was scored by man of the match and guest player Soul Phoenix: best player, best bloke, best name.

And on to this week's game. We had enough for four teams but no opposition could be found for the Dukes, and so we had a strong squad available. Both us and the 2s were at home and I was able to do some excellent horse trading beforehand. As we only had 2 front rowers, I entered into tense negotiations with Barbs for another prop. After a tense and sweaty few hours I parted with human dynamo Adam Riddett, several Panini football stickers (I was only too glad to get rid of the double of Dickon Moon-a-like Steve Sidwell) and the keys to Neutrino's car, receiving in return PC "Dobbin" Webster. I did feel a bit stupid when I realised Brendan and Jason (the other 2 front rowers) didn't reach Dobbin's shoulders, but then remembered it wasn't me in the front row. After a lengthy change (we were given the football changing rooms, and were reluctant to leave the underfloor heating and gold plated showers) and decent warm up, we pressured Guildford without ever really looking like we had run off the Christmas pud, turkey and foil-wrapped satsumas. Guildford disrupted us through fair means and foul, and for long periods the game was tightly contested. Neutrino scored one and then Kieron got his annual try. Kieron claimed after the game that his new silver boots had given him a sidestepping ability he had never had before: I didn't have the heart to tell him that the inability of people to tackle him had more to do with the split in the rear of his shorts than any running skills. Q kicked a penalty and we turned round with our noses in front.

More of the same in the second half and then we cut lose, aided in particular by a remarkable display of back row play by Humphrey, Lunny losing a contact lens (so he couldn't jib out of the tackles), some calm play at fly half by Q (before getting in a fight), pacy runs from Jez and Ben and some surging rampages from Tim (fitness permitting). Tim and Humphrey scored tries and then Neutrino did his usual impression of Ram Man from Masters of the Universe and got another. Top marks to new boy Boris, a centre who was willing to give prop a go when Dobbin decided he needed a breather: even better was his comment 5 minutes in - "I'm all over my guy…I don't know what props complain about".

On a sad note Jack played his last game for a year - he's off to New York to take up a dance scholarship at the Tisch School of Performing Arts. We wish the first ever Dukes Hall of Famer all the best. Man of the Match: I kind of gave it away earlier. Humphrey. Again. Boooring. (Point taken - he's with the 2s this week. DoR)

Twat of the Match: lots of contenders. Dobbin got sin binned for a technical offence in the front row: apparently they're not allowed. Dave Morris told us a story in the pub afterwards that started with "well, after Take That on New Year's Eve". Winner this week was Kieron, for running on the pitch from the sidelines to pull 3 of their guys off Q. While it doesn't say much for Q's popularity that the rest of the team just stood around watching, Kieron's reaction to being called a "doughnut" by the opposition was most entertaining. Clearly this is a hypnotic trigger word that causes him to act like a small child after eating a bag of Haribo.

LCRFC – Squad: Ben Hufton; James Flood, Alex Weir-Addie (Justin York), Dave Morris, Jez Fixter; Quentin Peri, Jon Feltham (Jack Seymour) (Martin Bevan); Rob Webster, Jason Parkin, Brendan Dunston-Smith; Mike Lunn (Boris Pomrey), Tim Gibb; Kieron Joy (capt) (Andy Wise), Humphrey Bowles, Neutrino (the lads name is Mark Osei-Tutu - Ed).


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