MERIT TABLE
01/03/08
OLD PAULINES 4S v LONDON CORNISH 3s

Old Paulines 4s 3 - London Cornish 3s 34

I hate having to do this. I really do. Flashbacks to the game down at Sutton & Epsom. Me explaining to their skipper that whilst I had a surfeit of Humphreys, Ruperts and heirs to the duchy of Cornwall (Morse) I had only one front row forward and would therefore be requesting uncontested scrums. And their prop, a 5ft 4 squat tattooed skinhead for whom the name "Bob" was invented muttering "I might as well f*cking go home then". And on to this week. Back to explaining to the Paulines skipper that I only have two thirds of a front row. Him being very nice about it. Me then hitting him with the follow up punch of "…but I have eight subs as well. Is that a problem?". Credit to the man, a slight tensing of the jaw but he took it on the chin and was very agreeable (especially when we lent him Micky B-S aka the "Helston Express" in the second half).

A mixture of a selection muddle, purge of the 2s and a couple of no-shows on the day meant we had a huge but unbalanced squad. Credit to Justin York (a centre) and Ed Thompson (wing), who stepped in as 9 and 10 respectively and did an outstanding job. Colby took another step towards his natural home in the front row and Riddett again showed his skill for shoving his head where other men fear to fart. And a bench that was frankly ridiculously strong. A confident Cornish outfit took to the pitch , although several of the players had needed counselling before the game due to the unavailability of this week of the Showpony. "I thought I was good looking", Branchy was overhead to have said, "now I realise I'm actually a bit of a minger". Maybe this explained the rubbish first five minutes, before we managed to get our hands on the ball and work our way up the pitch. Floody went close and then Branchy was held up over the line, failing to beat the 7 defenders in his way after a powerful Neutrino burst. Eventually the pressure told and Floody scooted over for one, and then another. The Paulines defence held solid for a while longer before Neutrino popped over the line for a third try just before half time.

Half time saw a logistical exercise second only to the air drops of supplies to Berlin. 8 players on, 8 players off, 7 players off as Paulines needed a player, a quick run through of the line outs. The latter move proved controversial, but I am already planning for Feltham's return and a great way of cutting his chat short - "right lads, a few drills". Dave Morris had to be removed from the fray after an unusually subdued performance. After the game he confessed to me he was missing Kieron. We hugged it out for a while before he dried his eyes and asked if he could have the next couple of weeks off. It would have taken a heart of stone to refuse his request. Then a much better second half performance. Rock solid defence, some outrageous showboating from new boy Jamie Cripps, player cam on Humphrey, Hufton's first ever full 80 minutes, a chance to see Roberto aka Speedy Gonzales in action, Tim Hayton making the first ever tackle to be made below sea level, Justin York unleashing the bum slaps. Some of the best rugby we have played this season was seen in this period, and soon Hufton stepped over for the fourth try. It should be noted that, if the LCRFC shorts in fact had pockets, a quick inspection of Hufton's after the game would have revealed a dirty tissue, some poor girl's phone number and the Paulines left winger. I can't decide which of the remaining two tries was better - Jamie Cripps turn and burst, or the "I can't believe they fell for that" pass to himself for Ed Thompson that led to his score. In any event, they say the best art is subjective.

A good win against a stocky opposition who, despite being decent lads, made a poor effort in the downing stakes afterwards. Man of the match contenders were a-plenty, with the field opened up now Humphrey has been disqualified from the award for the rest of the season. Justin, Neutrino, Jamie Cripps and Ed Shield were all mentioned in dispatches, but the grind and engine of Adam Riddett got him the award this week. Similarly, the field was open for Tw*t of the Match, with the award heading for Ed Shield (who managed to end up at Purley John Fisher last week instead of KCS Old Boys) until I tried to unleash a mammoth spin pass to return the ball to the pitch. Instead of showing the younguns I still have it, I hit the scariest ref in the circuit (imagine Pierluigi Collina crossed with Brick Top) on the bonce. For the record, I finished a close second out of five in the downing and thus earned the right to carry on applying the fines.

James Flood (Roberto San Martin); Ben Hufton, Iain Short (Jamie Cripps), Dave Morris (capt) (Neill Sullivan), James Baylis; Ed Thompson, Justin York; Brendan Dunstan-Smith (Luke Carrivick), Ed Shield, James Colby (Dan Moylan); Alex Clough (Will Franklin), Adam Riddett; Charlie Branch (Tim Hayton), Humphrey Bowles, Neutrino (for the last time, his name is Mark! Ed)


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